Rules for diet under stress

Came across this in my file cabinet the other day...just in time for Thanksgiving tomorrow!

RULES FOR DIET UNDER STRESS

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda. This is medically called the "Liquefaction Process".

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat as much as they do. This is called "Calorie Cancellation by Reciprocity".

4. Food eaten for medical purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you eat with a person fatter than you, you lose calories. Many wonder why they look thinner and feel thinner around fat people. If is because they ARE thinner. The exact process and theory is still a mystery to physicist, but it follows the Newtonian principle that larger bodies attract, or have a pull, on smaller bodies in proximity to them. This results in a gravitational pull upon the calories of the smaller body. Dietitians describe it as "Centrifugal Calorie Remission".

6. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking cookies causes calorie leakage. The same principle holds as well for other foods. Hence, instead of eating a chocolate pie whole, if you eat it in pieces you intake less calories.

7. Movie related foods have no additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not of one's personal fuel.

8. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal and maybe substituted for any other food color. This principle's biological name is "Calorie Equilibrium by Chromasynthesis".


So...everyone enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner without guilt!!!